3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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