Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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