Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
