i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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