I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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