I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
