____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
