his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
