Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
