Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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