i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
