it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
