If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
