I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
