I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
