Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize