Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
