just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
