Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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