the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Let the clothes fall where they may.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
