got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Randomize
