2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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