it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize