Pappa wants mamma naked
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I think your dad took our porno
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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