I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
