and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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