I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
