thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
