i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
