I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
