girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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