Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
