I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
