You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
