I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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