my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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