I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
People in love make me want to vomit
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
this is an emotional support booty call
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
