Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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