dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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