Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
All the doctor said was why
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
