the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
