I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
