There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize