i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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