Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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