if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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