OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
