Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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