I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
