You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
