Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I think we might need a safe word for this...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
