I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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