I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Sober January is a disaster.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Randomize
