i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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