i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
