we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
