We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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