Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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