you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
